Pokemon NO

“What makes Pokémon Go so different from other games is that its boundaries are seemingly unrestricted. ” – M Buxton, Refinery 29


I reached my personal tipping point when reading about the two men (MEN – early 20s – old enough that they should be somewhere WORKING during the day…) who had to be rescued after falling off a cliff chasing invisible cartoon characters.  It begs the age-old parenting question – If your friends jumped off a cliff, would you follow them?  Apparently so if there is a rare Pokemon hovering nearby.

I needed more information.  I am going to be judgey, that is a given.  But I needed to know more before fulling embracing my haughty, middle-aged woman stance on things that simply don’t make sense to me.

I took to the internet – Google in fact – to learn more about the game that has my son’s brain rotting, but in the outdoors while walking around. This, by the way, is the most prevalent aspect of the game that is being lauded – it gets people outside and moving.        I. Can’t. Even.

I am going to concede that kids – meaning 18 and under – and retirees – let’s say 68 and above – can have at it.  Not going to judge.  There are certainly worse games out there they could be playing and maybe keeping the seniors moving is a good thing….

dad with a pretend rat
My Dad trying to touch a pretend rat on the Pokeballs.

Ultimately what I have learned was that this is far, far beyond anything I want to devote brain space to at this point in my life.  I was reading about species that can evolve, eggs that can hatch and wild Pokemon that live in unique habits.  There are gyms and battles and Pokestops and Pokeballs.  (Pokeballs actually make me laugh because I have the humor of a middle schooler.)

I came across this poke-splaining paragraph that was written by some self-proclaimed gamer and expert with the intent to help the poor souls like me understand this important cultural event occurring all around me.

For example, if there are a large number of Poliwag in your area, but no Polywhirl nearby, catch a lot of Poliwag to eventually gain the ability to have one of them evolve into a Polywhirl. – Daniel

Daniel, I have no fucking idea what you are saying.

I decided to hit the streets for some real life exposure in the hopes I would start to get it – (not #GetThemAll)

Chasing Pokemons in the 100 degree heat and 90% humidity in Charlotte, NC

When this smart group of millennials paused at the corner I hid behind a pillar to listen in, silently hoping they were actually doing something – anything – remotely acceptable for young adults.  This is what I overheard.  And I quote….

“Someone had a Jigglet coming out of their toilet…. ” Hearty laughter from all.

I threw my phone on the ground and walked away.

In a last-ditch effort for some level of understanding I decided to take the “What Pokemon Are You?” quiz.  I had my eye on Jigglypuff (appropriate for the 45-year-old me) so I put a lot of thought into each and every answer.

Even the quiz was mostly indecipherable.  I did catch a few of the questions….

What is your favorite activity? Of the stupid choices presented, the one obvious for me    was Karaoke.  (I mean,duh, isn’t Karaoke pretty much always the answer?)

Where would you vacation?  A tall mountain – no.  Too much walking for a vacation.  Walking about – No.  Again, movement does not equal vacation. Volunteering at the egg hatchery – NO.  Vacations are real not imaginary.  Splashing around in water where it is ineffectual.  BINGO!

How could I be defeated?  Since a Karaoke sing-off wasn’t an option I went with being strangled by a vine.

Favorite food? Chocolate.  Nailed that one.

Favorite Pokemon game?  Shut up.

Then I had to pick a cat….I chose a REAL one who was normal looking.  Perhaps that is where I went wrong.

I felt like I was back in Vegas watching the little white ball go round and round ….


Much like Magikarp doesn’t put much effort during a battle, only feebly splashing its opponent, you did not put much effort into this quiz.  One can only hope you one day evolve.

Screw you, Pokemon.  I AM a Jigglypuff.

I’m out.  I gave my best effort to become a #PokeMOM but instead have to stick with my first instinct and keep my hashtag #PokemonNO

May the force be with you.  That’s Pokemon, right?

Image from the Jigglypuff official Wikipedia page
Me.  With another pretend friend.







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